Lesson Learned from Owl Medicine

This surrogacy journey has been a very long and winding road.  Things haven’t felt real until this past month. My journey began with this family, back in December of 2015.  After months of  health clearances, paper work and waiting, I began taking birth control a few months ago. This was to regulate my cycle and to allow the doctors to time everything precisely.  In January, I began Lupron injections, which consisted of little tiny needles, injecting a watery solution into my stomach. These were painless and easy.  I have never had a fear of needles and  have given myself injects before.  So I wasn’t really worried about doing injections.

On Thursday, I received the instruction that I was going to start Progesterone injections.  Throughout the day I thought of doing these injections. During my drive home the fear began welling up inside. Once home, I distracted myself by making dinner, playing with my toddler, and check emails. Finally came the time to do the injections.

I prepared the needle, drawing the thick liquid through the long needle, and then changing the needle, in case it had dulled when drawing up the Progesterone. I laid on my bed, exposed my right butt cheek, I wiped it with an alcohol swab, then another, I rested the needle on my skin. Then another alcohol swab.  I’m not even sure how many time I counted to 3?  “Ok, I can do this, One…. Two… Three…” I just couldn’t do it. I got up to look in the mirror to get a visual, to ensure I had the right spot for the injection. In the mirror I could see 7-10 little spots of blood where I had rested the needle on my skin. I laid back down on the bed. I wiped my bum with another alcohol swab. The panic set in.  I became angry at myself for feeling so weak and for acting like a child. It was just a needle after all, just do it already!  I’ve had dozens of shots throughout my life, it’s not a big deal!  The tears began to flow… I began to sob, not sure I could do it? Where was this fear coming from?  I’m not afraid of needles or of pain.  I’ve done things more challenging than doing an injection.  Maybe it was the reality of the situation.  I was going to be carrying the most sacred thing for this special family.  What if I miscarry…what if I get sick… what if my body doesn’t cooperate and it doesn’t work? Or perhaps it was shoving a long sharp object into my body goes against any logical part of instinctive survival my brain possesses… maybe it was the fear that I may not be as strong as I think I am?  What  I found out…I am stronger!         img_0748.

After many attempts and an hour later, I was about to surrender and call a relative that could do the injection, I looked down and the needle was in.  It was a like an out of body experience. I felt as though I was looking down on my body. My own hand had not pushed that needle into my skin, yet it was my hand pushing the liquid into my body. I felt the presents of my Gram surround me, and the smell Winton light and Avon’s Soft Musk drifted around the room. The spirit of my very own Grandmother Owl came to support me through a challenging time, as so often does. I then realized why I had received the gift of Owl Medicine earlier in the week. Thank you Grandmother Owl, for your medicine, to allow me to navigate through the fear and bring back my intuitive knowledge that I can do this.  My body is strong.img_0526

Now on the other side the injection, it wasn’t bad at all. I realize there was a lesson to be learned, to not live in a place of fear and to welcome the unknown. Beautiful things can happen when you remain open. I can also truly empathize with women who struggle with infertility. They are reminded everyday when they draw up the needle, of their struggle of not being able to conceive naturally, and the obstacles they faced on their  journey leading up to doing fertility treatments.

After lying on the bed for what seemed like an eternity, relishing in the power I felt of letting go of the fear, trusting my body to work the magic it needs to, I took a long hot shower with candle light and incense, with Nina Lee on repeat!

Standing at the edge,
Clinging to my innocence
One more tiny step,
At my back the wind blow
Beauty all around,
the beating of my heart echoes
Time is here and now,
Diving into the unknown

And I believe in me,
Yes, I believe in me,
I do, I do
I believe in me,
I believe in me,
I believe in me,
I do, I do

Thank you all for your kind supportive words, through my intense night. I truly value all the love you surrounded me with.

In light and magic,
~ Jen ~

 

 

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